It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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