It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
