You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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