dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We had to coat check the pizza.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
