haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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