this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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