just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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