Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
