Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
