I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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