At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
