I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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