On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
