My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
