we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My bed smells like the plague
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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