3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
