Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
