I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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