Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
