It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
