He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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