There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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