from now on my penis is your penis
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
