Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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