I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
