never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
