Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
