i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
