If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
