her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
