Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
