i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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