Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A bitchslap is in order.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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