does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
