I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just want to make out with him forever
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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