I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
