and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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