I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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