my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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