Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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