I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
