I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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