I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
