I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
