if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
