dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
