hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
