Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
