make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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