I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
