If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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