It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
