if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize