You're my little dorito
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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