6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Woke up backwards on a recliner
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
