I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
