cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
