i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize