Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
